:c I need something to distract me from overthinking and stupid thoughts, please now yes and thank you. I’d also like to help someone in some way instead of just unfairly being distracted.
So i’ve been vacationing in Ohio for the past week and a half, meaning I’ve been spending time with this certain guy that i had believed i kind of liked in the past? (Believe me on this, It was an unsurity, it was a stupid belief, i have never felt anything I have felt for this girl right now) it was the whole societal fantasy fit in belief that created this thought, but other than that, I have never felt anything for this guy. And I have been thinking a lot so much lately, especially after spending this time with this guy. I don’t want to sound conceited or cocky or that basic annoying shit, but I have quite a number of guys who “like me” and about 2-3 guys who are “in love” with me, and I’ve come to the realization that, I honestly cannot love a guy in any way other than friendship or family. I’ve been going with this constant belief that I can love anyone for themselves and not their gender. But ever since I’ve spent some time with the one guy i could probably see myself with in the future(I honestly realized it would never happen that way and i really can’t ever see myself with this dude), I have learned and came to realize that I really am a lesbian. And in all honesty, I really don’t want to tell any body I know, (believe me I hate this part of me) because I don’t want anyone to judge me, hate me, and because I love having attention. I know that’s wrong, fucked and conceited, but that’s how i am/feel. There’s only one person I want to bewith, that I like and that I’m really fixated on, but the thing keeping me apart from her is distance and the idea that I don’t even know if she feels the same way about me. Some thing that hurts is it bring about this pit of loneliness and worry about what she thinks about me. And that’s where being chased and being wanted by several guys feels comforting, yet disgusting at the same time. I just had to get that off y chest. I am such an asshole and I need to learn to be myself.
Where I start overthinking. I’m starting to think about bad things, like that you could never feel the same way, and that you’re just using me to make you feel better about yourself, when i was just thinking about how I could probably l*ve you unconditionally no matter if you had flaws that kill me inside that i’d get over just for you, but it’s hard. And it’s so hard to not think about the future. It’s so painful. I hate overthinking.
Been thinking so much about this girl, and I’m sure she has no idea and it starts to hurt and worry me.
how cute is this /.\ heh
you give me a flower and I’ll give you a bouquet because that’s how much i like you
I often look in the mirror and always tell myself “Wow, How could anyone ever fall in love with me?” I mean I know I could fall in love with me, because I honestly do love myself. It’s other people that scare me. I don’t think i’m pretty to others, but to myself I do believe I’m pretty good looking and have a wonderful personality to an extent. In all honesty, my secret dream in life is to fall in love with someone that I WANT to have in love with me! I want someone who’d love me just as much as I love them. The really depressing part is that I constantly see myself as a person hideous to others, other than myself, and I constantly think, wow these people think i’m ugly. When that happens, I go to a bottomless pit of thoughts and overthinking where it leads me to believe I’ll never be loved and that I can never be happy. I become severely depressed and start longing for death in which, I start smoking cigarettes and eat a bunch of unhealthy food. But I want to change all because one person some how made me feel different and made me want to live differently and see life differently.
Things that I have been thinking about in no specific order:
1.Buying a new bike
2. Skateboarding more often
3.Exercising and working out more
5.Going back to college
6. Gaining more weight
7. Go through new experiences
8. Go to more shows
9. Stop staying inside so much
Things that I have already started:
1. Working hard at my job trying to save
2. Trying to learn 3 new languages, with one specifically over the other two
3. Quit Smoking
One day I can hope to live up to you and that you’d fall for me. I’m not perfect, nothing close, but i’m willing to accept any flaws you have that i don’t know about, if you can accept mine. And sometimes I hope my hard work, determination, and big heart are enough to erase my appearance and win over your heart.
I KNOW I’M UGLY AND AM A TERRIBLE SINGER LEAVE ME ALONE I ALSO KNOW I CAN’T PLAY GUITAR LET ALONE SKA FOR SHIT /__\ I had a dream last night and it made me so insecure!
I’m not going to lie right now, I can’t stop crying every 5 minutes because I keep on thinking about how easy It would be for me to wipe myself off the face of the planet. I keep thinking about killing myself, and it just brings tears to my eyes and a pain in my heart, that no one seems to really understand. Youkoso Hitori Bocchi.I wish I didn’t exist.